By Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D.
My son skated off the ice, shoulder slumped and sadness on his face. My husband and I had just watched him have an honestly terrible hockey game. We went over to him at the end of the game, and I simply asked him, “How are you feeling?”
I could tell he was closing up, and didn’t really want to share.
In the past, we’ve had conversations with him after games about not being a sore loser after a bad game.
Even with the sadness on his face, I could tell he was afraid to say anything that may suggest he wasn’t being a good sport.
So, I just bent down and said, “You know, it’s okay if you’re upset about what happened.”
Immediately, I saw his shoulders lift up again, and a relief washed over him.
This experience is a continual reminder, for myself as a parent, that acknowledging our kid’s feelings, including negative ones, helps them validate their own emotions.
Which in turn opens up opportunities for them to respond in healthy ways.
Set the Stage: Start With Your Own Emotions
Let’s just start by saying: parenting is hard. With three young kiddos of my own, I get it.
What’s more, being emotionally present is difficult because it’s an ongoing process. The emotional work takes a lot of effort, because you have to continually read what your children’s emotions are to know exactly what their needs are.
So you have to have that flexibility. In that moment when I saw my son closing up after asking him how he felt, I realized I needed to show that flexibility.
I recognized that he was responding to the times we had spoken to him about being a sore loser, and so by saying it’s okay to feel upset, it helped him validate that feeling. And feel relief that it’s okay to feel upset.
So, where do we begin, as parents, when it comes to raising our kids to develop emotionally healthy habits?
First, it starts with having self-awareness to be comfortable with your own feelings. If you don’t understand your own emotions, then you’re not going to be able to fully understand your own child’s emotions.
Then, acknowledge that we’re not perfect and we make mistakes. This is all part of the parenting journey, including my own journey as a parent of three young kiddos.
When it comes to understanding our emotions, there’s no sense that you have to be perfect.
So you can recognize that sometimes mistakes do happen, or when you become upset, or you have those unpleasant emotions, instead of spreading it around, you can resolve it by understanding your feelings.
Oftentimes, when you become upset, especially if you’re still trying to develop the maturity and the emotions, you might start to spread it around, and you’re pulling everyone into this negative spiraling effect.
But, if you’re able to recognize that this is how you’re feeling, then you can take steps to resolve it.
Besides dealing with your emotions in a healthy way, you’re showing that to your own child, too.
In this way, your child won’t feel responsible for trying to make you feel better, which is not their job.
In essence, as parents, we are our kids’ best models for recognizing our own feelings, and indirectly showing them how we go about resolving our problems.
In the same vein, if you want to learn more about how to reclaim your own emotions, and break free from your emotionally immature parents, then head over to our blog post here.
How to Develop a Strong Emotional Connection With Your Child
Once you’re able to gain that self awareness for your own emotions and establish your true sense of self, then you’re able to take that next step to be emotionally present for your own child.
When you develop a solid emotional connection, it provides your child with that true sense of security in your relationship.
It’s showing them that you’re there for them on an emotional level.
With that in mind, I have 5 tips to help you develop a strong emotional connection with your kids and respond to them in a way so they feel comfortable coming to you whenever they need to.
Tip #1: Create a Space
If you’re looking to be more emotionally present for your children, just create a space for them to talk to you. So they always feel like they have someone to go to.
Create a space so they always feel comfortable coming to you with questions. You can build a relationship where there’s reciprocal, mutual conversations. Your child can feel like there’s space to really talk about ideas at a deeper level.
One of the things we do in our household in terms of keeping the communication ongoing is we have these little notepads that go between the child and the parents. So we draw pictures, or we just write little notes back and forth.
It helps to create that connection with the child. So then hopefully, they’ll feel comfortable coming to you if there’s something else that they want to talk about beyond the little notes.
You can think about creating a communication system like little notes, or create an intentional time where you spend time one-on-one with your child to be together and talk about things your child would like to talk about.
Tip #2: Teach Your Kids That Emotions Aren’t a Weakness
Another area to focus on is making sure to teach your children that having emotions is not a weakness, and that we can be comfortable in their emotions.
When they start to show emotions, you just have to be comfortable around them, and teach them that there are no bad feelings. There are no forbidden feelings. Because feelings are feelings. They’re signals that our body is experiencing something.
Notice the way you react and respond to your child’s emotions. You may notice that you say things like, “Why are you feeling that way?” or “You shouldn’t have to feel that way.”
If you notice that, it’s okay. We’re all on a learning journey.
As you become more comfortable in your own emotions and your child’s, notice those fluctuations in their emotions, too. You can welcome them with interest, acknowledge them, and show them that it’s okay to talk about emotional things and emotional issues.
When you start to really listen to your emotions, instead of shutting them down, it actually allows you to create more of that authentic connection with others. You now are starting to have a good understanding of your child’s emotions, and can acknowledge and feel comfortable with your child’s emotions.
Tip #3: Make Them Feel Seen
Going along with really listening to your child’s emotions, you can express empathy, or emotional awareness, with your child.
Take an interest in your child’s mind, make them feel seen, make them feel understood, try to grasp their viewpoint and their overall inner experience.
Then go beyond just recognizing their emotions, and dig deeper to their intentions. You’re taking a step even further by allowing their feelings to really resonate with you, so that you have that deeper understanding.
Getting to that deeper understanding then helps you mirror their experiences and reflect their emotions with them. For example, if you see that they’re upset, you can mirror that upsetness with them, so that they feel that empathy from you.
Tip #4: Taking in Other People’s Feelings
To go along with mirroring your child’s feelings, you can model for them what it’s like for you to take other people’s feelings into consideration when you make a comment or respond to someone.
When they see you do this, your child can see how you’re balancing between recognizing your needs, and also seeing other people’s needs, too.
Tip #5: Validate Your Child’s Feelings
In the realm of psychology, validating your child’s feelings is about having that mutual emotional responsiveness. Really take the time to listen, understand your child’s experience, and don’t respond with what you want them to do.
But really just stop and listen to them.
I know this can be hard. Because it’s usually in those moments when we’re feeling all those pressures as a parent, trying to take in everything that’s going on, and your child decides at that moment that they’re going to be upset.
Your initial reaction may be to get angry or frustrated or get sarcastic with them. Just pause for a moment so you can then respond in a way to help and really support your child.
That means really hearing them out instead of going into the parent-lecture mode where you tell them to stop crying or tell them to act a certain way.
For me, with my son’s hockey game, instead of telling him not to act like a sore loser, I took a moment before responding, and validated his feelings instead of diving into my usual talk about sportsmanship.
In short, the way we respond either discounts or validates their feelings. Ultimately, we want to create mutual emotional responsiveness by validating their feelings.
What it takes to be an emotionally present parent
One of the final things that you can do for your children is really make them known as a unique individual and respect their individuality.
Be okay that they have individual differences, that they’re not always going to agree with you and they’re going to see things differently from you.
You don’t want to shut them down if they’re going to explore something or say something that’s different than your own thoughts.
Instead of getting defensive, show genuine interest in what they’re saying, what they like, and celebrate the successes.
It’s also common to discount your child’s experience by turning what your child is saying back to your own experiences. You may say, “Well, this is what I went through” and reflect on a similar experience you had. But this response discounts their experiences, and their response to that experience.
With that said, there’s absolutely a time and a space for self reflection for yourself, in order to gain insight and self understanding, but not when your child is sharing their experience.
To wrap up, emotional dependability starts with your own inner work. Start with getting comfortable with your own emotions, including acknowledging and validating your feelings.
From there, you can take steps to foster emotional dependability with your child so they feel comfortable coming to you with anything they’re experiencing on an emotional level.
“Hug Me” an Illustration of Being Emotionally Present
Our emotional intimacy series was inspired by Lindsay Gibson’s book (see Further Reading below), and I’d like to recommend another book here as well. It’s a book that we read in our household that we truly enjoy.
It’s called Hug Me by Simona Ciraolo, and I feel it really encapsulates this concept of being emotionally present.
Essentially, the premise of this book is that there’s this little cactus who is a part of a family, and all he wants is a hug. But the family expectation is to behave properly and maintain personal space. Upholding these expectations was done at the expense of noticing that the little cactus wanted a hug.
Since his needs aren’t met, he befriends a balloon and tries to hug it. Of course, it pops and this leads to a scandal for the family and other members make him feel bad. But he still hasn’t gotten a hug.
The little cactus then sets off from his family, but is unable to find a place he belongs, so he starts to isolate himself. And he talks about the loneliness that comes with it.
At the very end, he hears a boulder crying, and he knows exactly how that boulder is feeling. With empathy, he goes over and just hugs the boulder, and they become best friends.
It’s a good book that highlights what can happen when you’re able to meet your child’s emotional needs.
Developing Emotional Intimacy: It’s a Lifelong Journey
As we mentioned in our previous blog post “How to Break Free From Emotionally Immature Parents and Reclaim Your Emotions”, developing emotional intimacy is a lifelong journey. We want to acknowledge that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, we want you to know that we’re proud of you for being interested and wanting to learn more about how to be emotionally present for your child.
You’re already taking that first step to just be curious to know, learn, and reflect about how to be a better parent. We’re happy that you’re here, and we’re proud of you for where you are right at this moment.
Lastly, we’re here to provide that emotional connection for you. Collaborating with a professional mental health provider is one way to get support on your journey to developing emotional intimacy with yourself and your kids. Feel free to contact us if you have any further questions or if you’d like to talk about this topic more with us.
*Disclaimer: The contents of this blog does not constitute a clinical relationship or replace the need for professional services.
Further Reading
Recommended Kid’s Picture Book
Contact Us
Here at CCWB, we value our clients and acknowledge the courage it takes to seek professional mental health support.
Chester County Well-Being (CCWB) provides a range of mental health services to ensure we meet our community’s needs. We serve individuals, couples, and families in the Chester County area. Reach out to us here.
Our specializations include:
- Parenting Support
- Family Counseling
- Conflict Resolution
- Couples Counseling
- Therapy for Depression and Anxiety
- Work and Career issues
- Stress Management
- Grief Counseling
- Addiction & Recovery
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All our clinicians provide safe and secure teletherapy sessions to anyone residing in PA. Additionally, we provide telehealth options for residents of other states, depending on the clinician. Simply head to our About Us page, and click each clinician’s “read more” tab for telehealth details.
Telepsychology services are provided by Dr. Kuangparichat and Dr. Stern to clients who reside in a state that participates in PSYPACT. Find out if your state is on the list of participating states HERE.
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About the Author
Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D. is founder and psychologist at Chester County Well-Being.
She has a collaborative approach that results in highly tailored evaluations intended to meet her clients’ unique needs. She focuses on an individual’s strengths, which are integrated in the practical, personalized recommendations identified by the findings of an evaluation.
In her free time, she enjoys running, spending time with family and friends, and getting ice cream or doughnuts from the local shops.