By Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D.
I love the smell of the holidays with the cinnamon, nutmeg, and the comforting smell of pine. In our family, during the holiday season, we like to get together on Christmas Eve with family and friends for our yearly gathering and gift exchange, take hayrides with our friends to see the Herr’s Christmas display, and spend time in the kitchen baking gingerbread cookies with our special family recipe.
With all the holiday energy and festivities also comes holiday stress, even for those who enjoy all the activities of the season.
There are family dynamics to deal with, a lot more parties, concerts, community activities, and possible triggers that come with the holidays.
That means the holidays can be taxing on you mentally, physically, and emotionally.
When you feel stressed, think about how you’ll react to it. Will you panic, burnout, or sit in the discomfort of stress for the rest of the holiday season?
Instead, you can better set healthy boundaries during the holidays when it comes to family gatherings.
You may feel uncomfortable setting boundaries because you were taught that making others happy at the expense of your own is to be expected (also known as people pleasing tendencies).
But know that setting healthy boundaries, even during the holiday season when it’s all about giving, is a courageous act of self-care and honoring your needs.
So, I want to show you how to use “I-Statements” effectively to set boundaries for your peace, joy, and well-being.
How to Use “I-Statements” to Effectively Set Boundaries With Your Family
You may have heard of “I-Statements” before, but you’re unsure how to apply them to your own relationships. For context, “I-Statements” were created by Dr. Thomas Gordon, a licensed clinical psychologist and renowned author of many books on teaching effective communication skills.
When using an I-statement, you’re stating how you feel, the behavior bothering you, and the effect it’s having on you.
The purpose is to take the blame out of what you’re saying, and effectively communicate how you’re feeling internally while also sharing the tangible effect someone’s behavior is having on you.
You can follow this sentence model to help you craft your I-Statement:
- I feel ____ when you ____ because ____ I need ____.
It may feel a little awkward at first as you try out the framework, but it gets easier with practice. Plus, you can change the order of what you say within the framework as long as you state how you feel, the behavior bothering you, and the effect it’s having on you.
Before I share a few helpful tips on using I-Statements, here are a few holiday examples to show you what it looks like and sounds like.
Scenario #1: A family member brings up a controversial conversation during a holiday dinner
It’s okay to set a healthy boundary around heated conversation topics, and let someone know how you’re feeling so that everyone can enjoy each other’s company during the holidays. Instead of sitting in discomfort or engaging in the controversial conversation that’s stressful, you can use an I-Statement to effectively communicate how you feel and what you need.
Example of I-Statement:
“I feel uncomfortable when you bring up politics during our holiday dinner because it causes a lot of tension in the room. Let’s change the conversation to something less controversial so we can enjoy each other’s presence.”
Scenario #2: Not going home for the holidays
It’s okay to not go home for the holidays when family dynamics cause you stress and overwhelm. Remember that prioritizing your well-being isn’t selfish. Instead of dreading the holidays, you can use an I-Statement to assertively set your boundary without blame.
Example of I-Statement:
“I feel stressed and sad when I come home for the holidays because of the unresolved tension. I need to spend time alone in peace this Christmas.”
Scenario #3: Not attending a holiday party while visiting
If you find yourself feeling depleted from non-stop activities while visiting your family, it’s okay to set a boundary, and let your family know. Anytime you feel like you “should” or “have to” do something, stop and notice why you’re thinking that way. Besides increasing awareness around your internal dialogue, you can use an I-Statement to let your family know how you’re feeling and what you need.
Example of I-Statement:
“I feel overwhelmed when there are non-stop activities because it’s a lot of time with people. I need a day of alone time to rest and feel reset.”
3 Helpful Tips When Setting Boundaries During the Holidays Using I-Statements
Now that you have a few I-Statement scenarios and examples to work off of, I have three helpful tips to help you set healthy boundaries using the I-Statements.
Tip #1: Look Inward
In the moment, you may have a difficult time identifying exactly how you’re feeling and why the behavior bothers you. If you can’t quite put your emotion into words, then one way to explore your emotions is write out how certain situations make you feel. If it’s helpful, you can write out some of your own I-Statements so you’re equipped when the situation presents itself.
Tip #2: Watch Your Language
If you find yourself wanting to make the other person more comfortable in a situation, then watch your language when using an I-Statement. You may find yourself minimizing the situation or your own feelings when you add statements like, “I’m probably making this bigger than it really is” or “It’s not that big of a deal.” In this way, you’re signaling to the other person that it’s not an issue when it really is.
Tip #3: Hold Firm
Hold firm if your family reacts with anger or becomes upset when you set a boundary. They’re used to a certain way of being with you, and may or may not have the desire or accommodate your boundary. In this case, you can choose to tolerate the behavior or leave the environment.
You Are Enough
I know the holidays are a season for giving, but please remember to take a step back from the holiday activities and give yourself love.
That may come in the form of a dedicated rest time, even for ten minutes, or spending one-on-one time with someone you love and trust, or journaling your feelings around the holidays and creating a healthy boundary for your well-being.
Wherever you are on your empowered path to well-being, know that you are enough, and you’re starting from right where you need to be.
Consider In-Person or Online Therapy
At Chester County Well-Being (CCWB), we acknowledge the courage it takes to seek professional mental health support. You don’t need to journey alone. We’re here to help you navigate the sticky spots of holiday overwhelm with high-quality, strength-based therapy.
Whether at our Kennett Square office or online, our caring and compassionate clinicians hold a safe space for you to empower your well-being. You can contact us here.
*Disclaimer: The contents of this blog does not constitute a clinical relationship or replace the need for professional services.
Contact Us
Here at CCWB, we value our clients and acknowledge the courage it takes to seek professional mental health support.
Chester County Well-Being (CCWB) provides a range of mental health services to ensure we meet our community’s needs. We serve individuals, couples, and families in the Chester County area. Reach out to us here.
Our specializations include:
- Stress Management
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All our clinicians provide safe and secure teletherapy sessions to anyone residing in PA. Additionally, we provide telehealth options for residents of other states, depending on the clinician. Simply head to our About Us page, and click each clinician’s “read more” tab for telehealth details.
Telepsychology services are provided by Dr. Kuangparichat and Dr. Stern to clients who reside in a state that participates in PSYPACT. Find out if your state is on the list of participating states HERE.
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About the Author
Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D. is founder and psychologist at Chester County Well-Being.
She has a collaborative approach that results in highly tailored evaluations intended to meet her clients’ unique needs. She focuses on an individual’s strengths, which are integrated in the practical, personalized recommendations identified by the findings of an evaluation.
In her free time, she enjoys running, spending time with family and friends, and getting ice cream or doughnuts from the local shops.