By Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D.

Divorce is rough enough as it is, and you find the separation process especially overwhelming as you navigate the transition with your children. And now the holidays are upon us, and you feel like another layer of complexity is getting added to the divorce and co-parenting transition. You’re left wondering how to get through the holidays yourself, let alone trying to create a holiday experience for your kids, with memories of past holidays flooding your mind. Even with the many challenges and navigating the holidays, the research on divorce and co-parenting shows that there are many ways you can foster resilience, adaptability, and a sense of security for your kids.

When you choose to create a holiday season that’s no-pressure and no-guilt for the kids, that means you’re putting your best foot forward to make your children the priority during the holidays.

In our practice, we’ve supported overwhelmed parents in navigating the emotional complexities of separation and rebuilding healthy dynamics with their kids and ex-spouse.

We’ve found the top 3 factors to foster better outcomes for your kids during a divorce, even during the holidays:

• Open Communication
• Clear Expectations
• Civility, Respect, and Love

From the research¹ cited in this article on how parents can help their kids cope with separation and divorce, “The three biggest factors that impact children’s well-being during and after their parents’ separation or divorce are potentially within parents’ control: the degree and duration of hostile conflict, the quality of parenting provided over time, and the quality of the parent-child relationship.” 

While there are many protective factors² you can put in place for your kids’ well-being, including household stability and cooperative parenting, one of the best ways to ease the transition is fostering healthy relationships between you and your kids.

On top of fostering a stronger relationship with your kids, we’ll also cover finding the right-fit method for divorce, and practical tips and examples for open communication, setting clear expectations, and civility with your ex-spouse and children.

How You Perceive Co-Parenting is How You Approach Co-Parenting

Here at CCWB, we value growth mindset which means when we encounter mistakes, it’s an opportunity to learn and not a judgment on your abilities and capabilities. It doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you a learner.

The same mentality can be used to embrace issues that come up in co-parenting as opportunities for growth instead of obstacles. You can turn co-parenting into a journey of mutual respect and understanding instead of one focused on holding grudges, blame, and name-calling.

In essence, the way you perceive co-parenting is the way you approach co-parenting. If you see it from the lens of opportunity and growth, you can tackle the issues from a solution-seeking approach rather than one that feels out of your control.

Questions to Consider to Support Your Kids Through Divorce and the Holidays

Before you jump into the logistics of the holidays for your kids, reflect on these questions to help you assess and stay on track with the ultimate purpose of co-parenting through the holidays.

• What are the short- and long-term outcomes you want for your kids through the divorce and co-parenting transition and holidays?
• Which family protecting factors do I need to prioritize for my kids through the holiday season?
• How can I help my kids transition through the family changes?
• What skills do I need to develop to help my kids thrive?
• What supports do I need for myself and my kids (e.g., therapy, extended family support, mediation/litigation, etc)
• How am I fostering a warm, strong parent-child relationship right now?

Be kind to yourself in this reflective process, and use this as a starting off point to give your kids the best chances to feel your unconditional love through a difficult transition.

Decide What Type of Divorce Support Fits Your Needs

Here are 3 main types of divorce support you can seek to fit your exact needs. It’s important to explore your options and decide which is best in terms of the degree of conflict, financial resources, and keeping the kids out of the divorce process. Additionally, seeking the right support will help you and your spouse create a holiday agreement plan that you can both agree to and keep your children as the priority during the holiday season.

Mediation

This is a helpful and more affordable option if you’re looking for a 3rd party mediator to support you in negotiating and creating a plan for financial agreements, living agreements, co-parenting, and sharing the holidays.

Litigation

You may need to hire a lawyer if you foresee more complex financial issues or your spouse is high-conflict and you need a lawyer to represent your best interests. This option tends to be more contentious, higher stress, and harder on the kids.

DIY

If you and your spouse can agree on co-parenting plans and have minimal assets, then a self-created option could be an affordable and viable choice for you. With this option, you’ll want to be sure you know your legal rights in terms of child custody and financial support.

Top 3 Factors to Foster Better Outcomes For Your Kids During a Divorce and the Holidays

While there are many factors to foster better outcomes for your children during a divorce and the holidays, we want to focus on the top 3 factors to provide you with practical tips in open communication, setting expectations, and fostering the parent-child relationship to empower you in your co-parenting journey.

Agree to Open Communication

We cannot emphasize enough the importance of open, respectful communication in the divorce transition. Here are 6 practical tips to help you communicate with your ex-spouse and kids in a healthy way.

• Child-centered holidays – Ask yourself if you’re prioritizing your children in the holiday schedule. Is the holiday schedule focused on your or your ex-spouse’s needs more than your children’s needs?
  
• Listen and validate feelings – whether they’re your own, your ex-spouse’s, or your children’s feelings.

• Avoid miscommunication and texting — Things can get lost in translation through text messages. We recommend communicating with your ex-spouse by email or phone calls.
  
• Don’t put your kids in the middle – Ask limited questions to your kids about their time with the other parent.
  
• Leave out the guilt – Don’t make your kids feel guilty about not spending time with you.
  
• Plant good energy and good will – Say something positive to your child about your ex-spouse, encourage your child to spend time with other parent, and act with civility like how you may act towards a stranger at the grocery store (when you feel like that’s all you can handle)

Set Clear Expectations

In the realm of co-parenting, you’ll want to negotiate agreements and set clear expectations when it comes to living arrangements, financial planning, and a holiday co-parenting plan. It’s helpful to have a written record of all agreements and expectations so you and your ex-spouse are on the same page. 

• Living arrangements – Decide where each parent will live and how kids will split their time between each household
  
• Financial planning – Figure out child support (including future planning like college, car, etc), alimony, and responsibilities with expenses
  
• Co-parenting agreement – Outline visitation schedule and process for decision-making (bedtime routine, screen time, school work hours)
  
• Holiday co-parenting plan –  Make a plan that works for you and your ex-spouse. Here are some options: alternate holidays, split holidays in half, assign fixed holidays, spend holidays together (if you and your ex-spouse are on amicable terms). Coordinate a gift-giving plan to avoid duplicates and provide fairness of gifts.
  
• Set boundaries – As you and your ex-spouse prioritize quality time with the kids, respectively, you can consider setting boundaries around allowing or limiting phone time with the other parent while your kids are with you (or vice versa)

Even with clear expectations, you’ll want to practice flexibility and adaptability as it’s normal that things change and shift. You can revisit the agreements and expectations as you work out the kinks of co-parenting.

Deepen Parent-Child Relationship

One of the best ways to support your child’s well-being during a divorce and the holidays is to strengthen your relationship with your kids. Fortunately, there are many ways for you to connect with your kids so they feel your unconditional love and have a sense of security during a time of uncertainty.

• Show your love – Intentionally show ways that you love your kids such as through words of affirmation, hugs or snuggles, or quality time together. Depending on how your kids like to receive love, you can adapt to their preferences. If your child is at an age where they don’t show a need or want for love, show them in small and big ways that you love them.

• Set clear guidelines and limits – During a divorce, you may feel like you want to loosen the reins on rules and limits for your kids, but setting clear guidelines and limits helps increase predictability for kids and reduce negative behavior. Remind them that all feelings are okay, but not all behavior is. 

• Keep a journal together – You can have a simple journal for the kids (or one for each child) to pass between households that lists that week’s activities, their mood, and food.

• Express gratitude – Notice and share any acts of kindness, big and small, with genuine appreciation. When you embody and express gratitude everyday, it goes a long way to foster stronger relationships and generally uplift the emotional climate in the household. With gratitude, you can affirm their strengths, and reinforce positive behavior.

• Plan one-on-one quality time – Life gets busy! Create a routine for one-on-one time with each child. It doesn’t have to be a huge event. It could be coloring together, playing a card game, or doing something your child loves to do.

• Practice active listening – Listen without judgment, validate all feelings, reflect understanding with eye contact, a nod, or “mhmms.” Be okay with silence if your child doesn’t want to talk. Sometimes driving in the car or walking side-by-side is a non-confrontational way for kids to talk about their feelings to you.

More Helpful Tips For the Holidays

Many emotions may surface in this holiday season as you go through a divorce, and it’s okay. You’re not alone in your situation or your feelings. Entering the holidays with a child-centered focus will help your kids feel loved and have a sense of security, but make sure to practice self-care as well. When you fill your own cup, you’re able to navigate the holidays more grounded for your kids. 

Below are 5 more helpful tips when it comes to deepening your relationship with your kids during a divorce or separation.

Create a structured schedule over the holidays

Kids thrive on consistency. With all the uncertainties in a divorce process, you can provide a structured routine for your children as they’re off from school and doing the holidays as a new family unit. Use a shared calendar such as google calendar to coordinate with your ex-spouse.

Find times to connect in routines

During the holidays where there may be more activities and gatherings, think about ways you can connect with your kids during routine activities like meals, play, and storytimes. Plan downtime during the busy holiday season to foster parent-child connection.

Involve your kids in holiday planning

Get your kids involved with planning for this holiday season. Brainstorm new holiday traditions and how you all can create new holiday memories together.

Create new holiday traditions and memories

Bring joy and a sense of security of your kids by creating new traditions or memories. Consider alternative plans with your new co-parenting schedule such as opening gifts earlier or later or having the traditional holiday party earlier or later than in past years. You can create new memories by visiting friends, go to a concert or play, having a mini-dance party, listen to music, do puzzles or games, or volunteer.

Help your kids shop for the other parent

Make a point to help your kids shop for a special gift for your ex-spouse. Show your children that you support them even when they’re spending the week with their other parent.

When You and Your Ex-Spouse are dealing with mental health issues

It can be hard to find agreements, set clear expectations, and follow through with co-parenting plans when you or your ex-spouse are dealing with mental health issues. Seek professional mental health care from a therapist to get the support you need to empower your well-being. As you carve your own path to well-being, you may find it more manageable to agree on treating each other with respect, set boundaries while also being flexible, and lean on your support network in a way that’s helpful to you and your kids.

Seek Therapy

When you go through divorce, it’s not just a process of negotiation and agreements. It’s also a process of grieving the loss of a relationship. It’s coming to terms with a new way of living as a co-parent for your children. It’s finding new communities, tapping into trusted friends, and making time for yourself to grieve and listen to your feelings (as much as you’d like to avoid them). As you find deeper connections with your kids, remember to connect with yourself through writing, dancing, walking, journaling, scrap booking, knitting, or any number of ways to reconnect with yourself. If you’re looking for professional mental health support, then find a therapist in your area or through teletherapy options. 

Co-Parenting Apps to Try

Like Our Family Wizard

2Houses

Cozi (free)

Onward

Custody X Change

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Research

¹ Amato P. The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and the Family 2000;62;1269-1287.

² Pedro-Carroll J. Putting children first: Proven parenting strategies for helping children thrive through divorce. New York: Avery/Penguin, 2010.

*Disclaimer: The contents of this blog does not constitute a clinical relationship or replace the need for professional services.

Contact Us

Here at CCWB, we value our clients and acknowledge the courage it takes to seek professional mental health support.

Chester County Well-Being (CCWB) provides a range of mental health services to ensure we meet our community’s needs. We serve individuals, couples, and families in the Chester County area. Reach out to us here.

Our specializations include:

• Parenting Support
• Family Counseling
• Couples Counseling
• Conflict Resolution
• Grief Counseling
• Stress Management
• Therapy for Depression and Anxiety
• AD/HD
• Work and Career issues
• Addiction & Recovery

Teletherapy

All our clinicians provide safe and secure teletherapy sessions to anyone residing in PA. Additionally, we provide telehealth options for residents of other states, depending on the clinician. Simply head to our About Us page, and click each clinician’s “read more” tab for telehealth details.

Telepsychology services are provided by Dr. Kuangparichat and Dr. Stern to clients who reside in a state that participates in PSYPACT. Find out if your state is on the list of participating states HERE.

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About the Author

Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D. is founder and psychologist at Chester County Well-Being.  

She has a collaborative approach that results in highly tailored evaluations intended to meet her clients’ unique needs. She focuses on an individual’s strengths, which are integrated in the practical, personalized recommendations identified by the findings of an evaluation. 

In her free time, she enjoys running, spending time with family and friends, and getting ice cream or doughnuts from the local shops.