By Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D.
We all have shortcomings and inadequacies. That’s a part of what it means to be human. And, for many of us, we have a reactive system that causes us to respond negatively to our own failings.
Have you noticed the way you confront your personal fault lines? Is it with negative self-criticism? With comparison? With self-judgement? With indifference? With denial?
I’ve had my own journey with accepting self-compassion when I was miserably trying to find Work-Life Balance for many years. As you know, I am passionate about helping others with their mental health needs, but it led to a sizeable imbalance with my work and personal life.
Even as a therapist, knowing about self-compassion and all the research behind it isn’t quite the same as walking it out in my own life.
Through my walk, I’ve personally experienced the power of how compassion for self goes hand-in-hand with compassion for others.
With that said, I want to share several different types of self-compassion exercises that you can try out. Here’s where you put knowledge to practice. You’ll find that the more you practice these exercises, the more your mind, heart, body, and spirit will choose self-compassion in your daily life.
These exercises can help you increase your emotional resilience, construct a more accurate self-concept, and develop more caring relationship behavior.
Before we get into the practices, let’s get a brief overview of self-compassion from Dr. Kristin Neff’s research and writings, Rocky Road ice cream style…because who doesn’t like an ice cream analogy?
Just like Rocky Road ice cream, self-compassion has 3 ingredients:
- Self-kindness // the chocolate ice cream part
- Mindfulness // the marshmallows
- Common Humanity // the nuts
Self-Kindness
Let’s start with the chocolate ice cream: Self-kindness. Sometimes the best way to understand a concept is to place it next to its opposite, so think of Self-kindness against Self-judgment. Rather than criticizing or ignoring your shortcomings, mistakes, and failings, Self-kindness is showing gentleness to yourself.
To put it another way, self-compassionate people know life is not perfect and can approach personal growth successfully with gentleness.
Mindfulness
Okay, now we get to those fun bites of marshmallow: Mindfulness. Again, we can better understand the concept of mindfulness by juxtaposing the idea against the Over-Identification approach.
You may not even notice this happening, but negative emotions may take over your approach to inner or outer situations. Mindfulness allows you to step back, and observe your negative self-talk and feelings with openness. It prevents suppressing or exaggerating negativity.
Just like marshmallows, mindfulness is non-judgmental and receptive.
In other words, mindfulness is the act of observing emotional distress without attaching judgment to it.
That doesn’t mean numbing the feeling.
What it does mean is name the feeling without explaining it away (like I shouldn’t feel ashamed for feeling angry) or add a personal quality to the feeling (such as, I’m such a bad friend for feeling this way).
Common Humanity
We are the nuts. Meaning, just like a bag of nuts that we sprinkle into our Rocky Road ice cream, we’re in it all together. You may feel alone in your struggles, but as Dr. Neff emphasizes, we are not isolated. Why? Because we all suffer. This is our common humanity.
Self-compassionate people are aware that our human experience is a shared experience. Suffering doesn’t just happen to “me,” but something that we all go through as humans.
So the next time you have a Rocky Road ice cream (or mint chocolate chip, or cookies and cream, or moose tracks, it’s so hard to choose), keep these 3 ingredients in mind as you grow your self-compassion.
What Self-Compassion Is Not
If you’d like to learn more about how self-compassion is not self-pity, self-indulgence, and self-esteem, then click on the corresponding hyperlinks that will redirect you to our social media posts on each point.
3 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion
Starting self-compassion exercises can open up a lot of pain areas, so I suggest really listening to your body and going slow or taking breaks if needed to help you ease into this new radical practice.
Exercise #1: How would you treat a friend?
The following exercise is from Kristin Neff. She suggests reflecting on these questions by writing down your responses on paper. As such, give yourself 10-15 minutes to sit down and reflect on these questions.
- First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
- Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.
- Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?
- Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.
What did you notice? Were you surprised by the outcome of your responses? How would it feel to respond to yourself in the same way you responded to a friend in need? You can check out this exercise on Kristin Neff’s page right here.
Exercise #2: Evaluating Behavior vs Self
It’s easy for us to label ourselves when we’ve made a mistake or a situation brings out a deficiency, like “I’m such a bad mom because xyz” or “I just suck because I can’t get it right.” Instead of evaluating the self, this self-compassion exercise from Hugo Alberts PhD moves the focus from rating yourself to rating the behavior.
This is radical self-acceptance where you accept yourself at your core without allowing your weaknesses to define you. Self-acceptance sounds like this: “I am enough” and “I am worthy of love.”
By consistently evaluating your behavior rather than self, you’ll find yourself reacting differently to your mistakes or weaknesses.
For this exercise, make a list of 5-10 instances in your life where you regretted what you did or wish you could do differently. Then for each one, evaluate yourself for that mistake. Lastly, rate your behavior in respect to the mistake. The key to evaluating your behavior is to identify the action that explains the mistake.
After completing the exercise, reflect on how you felt.
Ask yourself:
- How did you feel when your response was evaluating self vs evaluating the behavior?
- Which response motivates, rather than puts down, to help you improve for next time?
- Which type of response would you like to move forward with the next time you make a mistake?
Exercise #3: Supportive Touch
When a friend is feeling bad about themselves or struggling with something, what would you do? Many of us would naturally want to give a hug, soothe them with a comforting hand on the back, or sit close and lean in.
Touch releases oxytocin in the body which soothes distress, calms heart stress, and, like a baby cuddled and soothed by the mother or father, creates a sensation of warmth and security.
Supportive touch is a self-compassion exercise where you comfort yourself with a hand or both hands on your heart or chest. If you practice yoga, you may be familiar with the hands-to-heart pose.
If this is a new practice, that’s okay if you feel a bit awkward at first. Once you try supportive touch a few times, it won’t feel as strange, and you can experiment with different types like stroking your arms or hand on your abdomen.
How to practice Supportive Touch:
- The next time you feel stressed, take 2-3 deep breaths
- Place your hand gently on your heart or chest (try both hands and see how that feels)
- Notice your chest rise and fall as you breathe
- Stay for however long feels good to you
And it’s as simple as that. Continue to practice this exercise whenever you feel stressed, and reflect on how you feel afterwards.
More Resources
Fierce Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, https://self-compassion.org/fierce-self-compassion/
Kristin Neff’s guided meditations, https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations
Self-compassion scale, https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Self_Compassion_Scale_for_researchers.pdf
Tedx Talk “Cultivating Unconditional Self-Worth” by clinical psychologist Adia Gooden, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EirlZ7fy3bE
Tedx Talk “Dare to Rewire Your Brain for Self-Compassion” by psychologist Weiyang Xie, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiEMVA8AIJw
Contact Us
Ready to take the next step for your well-being? Chester County Well-Being (CCWB) provides a range of mental health services to ensure we meet our community’s needs. We serve individuals, couples, and families in the Chester County area. Reach out to us here.
Our specializations include:
- Therapy for Depression and Anxiety
- Couples Counseling
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Disclaimer: The contents of this blog does not constitute a clinical relationship or replace the need for professional services.
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In addition to in-person services, Dr. Malynn Kuangparichat provides high quality and secure telepsychology services in 17 states. All other clinicians offer teletherapy services for the state of PA.
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About the Author
Malynn Kuangparichat (Psy.D., J.D.) is founder and psychologist at Chester County Well-Being.
She has a collaborative approach that results in highly tailored evaluations intended to meet her clients’ unique needs. She focuses on an individual’s strengths, which are integrated in the practical, personalized recommendations identified by the findings of an evaluation.
In her free time, she enjoys running, spending time with family and friends, and getting ice cream or doughnuts from the local shops.