By Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D.

There are many losses we experience throughout our lives, and we can make space to grieve those losses. When ‘grief’ or ‘grieving’ is mentioned, you most likely think of the death of a loved one. But grieving encompasses all sorts of loss, from the end of a career to the crashing and burning of a project that you poured your heart and soul into. Loss also includes the end of a relationship, a role you played in someone’s life, or a belief. It could be a loss of a community due to fire, flood, or catastrophe. Grief is experienced in infertility, stillbirth, or miscarriage. You can experience grief as your body ages or when an illness affects your physical abilities long term.

While not all losses are equal, each loss is valid.

Don’t discount your loss because every single loss you experience, whether the loss of someone or something, is entitled to the process of grief.

I’ve had my own personal experiences with loss. Most recently, I lost my uncle this past April. He took care of me when I moved from the Midwest to New York City for college, and he was at every single NYU moving day with me. Deeply so, he held a special spot for me in my heart. When he passed, I could have continued through the motions of work and kids and life, and sweep my feelings under the rug until I had time to process.

But there’s value in intentionally pausing and making space to grieve.

I know many of us want to sweep it under the rug and avoid feeling our feelings. Understandably so, grief is messy and can come up at unpredictable times. We hope that if we just keep going, we can avoid grieving, or maybe we feel we don’t have time to grieve. We brush it aside, and think, “Life moves on.” Or you feel your grief so intensely that you’re not sure how to move through your loss.

Grieving is a natural response to loss, and the way through processing loss is through the grief.

To help you illustrate the ups and downs of grief, imagine a ball in a box. And, in the box, there’s a pain button.

In this analogy, your grief is the bouncing ball and the closed box is your life. At first, the ball is big and takes up almost the whole box. When you first face loss, you may find the grief hard to control and difficult to ignore. Anything you do bounces the ball in the box and hits the pain button.

You feel like the pain may never end, and there’s no space for anything or anyone else in your box. But as the days and weeks and months and years go by, the ball shrinks. It may not hit the pain button as often, but when it does, the pain can still feel just as strong. Eventually, the ball is tiny and you’ve come to a point of acceptance. That doesn’t mean you feel okay with your loss, but you’ve accepted the reality of the loss.

Grieving isn’t a linear process

You may be familiar with the five stages of grief, pioneered by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, which includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Many people assume that the stages are a step-by-step process that follows the order from denial to acceptance. In actuality, grieving isn’t a linear process. In fact, you may not even experience every stage when grieving.

As a human being, you have your own unique way to grieve. Though there are universal features of grief, everyone experiences loss and grief in different ways. As such, there are many ways to make space for your loss, and honor your own way of grieving without having to make your loss something other than what it is.

7 Ways to Make Space For All Kinds of Grief

When it comes to grieving, you may encounter many “should’s” along the journey. Maybe you feel like you should act a certain way, or you feel like you should only feel certain feelings, or you feel like you should be ‘further along’ in grieving your loss. 

But there are no “should’s,” even when well-meaning family members or friends tell you otherwise. Make space for grief and honor your own way of grieving because each person’s loss and grieving journey is unique, as I had mentioned before.

The first step to stopping the “should’s” is self-awareness. Notice when you find yourself thinking, “I should do…” or “I should be…” or “I should feel…”, and reflect on why you think you should do or be or feel a certain way. From there, you can change the “should” to a “could.” Ask yourself, “What could I do instead?”

With this in mind, you can decide how you want to make space for your grief, even for losses that feel like you don’t deserve space for grieving.

Rest

We’re all continually experiencing some kind of loss in our lives, just like suffering is a part of the human experience. Because we experience loss throughout our lives, it’s important to commit time in our busy schedules for rest. You can schedule rest into your weekly schedule so it’s an intentional time to reconnect with yourself.

Ultimately, rest allows you space to feel your feelings. I know it feels daunting to create space to sit with your feelings, but feeling your feelings is one of the essential components of the grieving journey. More commonly, you want to think your way through the grief which keeps you stuck in a logic loop. Whereas, feeling your feelings allows the light into the hole of your grief.

Be Present

Given that loss brings up uncomfortable feelings, I know the last thing most people want to do is be present. We may want to withdraw and distract ourselves, and those are both valid responses. However, being present in the reality and rawness of life helps you reflect on what exactly it is you need. Being present allows you to see where you could slow down and create space for grief.

Focus on Positive Memories

While grieving a loss of a loved one or any kind of loss, shift your focus onto the positive memories. Share your favorite memories of your loved one, your career, or a lost community. You can find some photos or memorabilia that reminds you of those memories, or journal your favorite memories.

Tune into Your Body

When you’ve experienced a loss, take the time to listen to your body. There are a number of breathing and mindfulness techniques that help you to tune into your body. Where are you feeling the loss in your body? What does it feel like? Ask your body what it wants to tell you. You may come away with a new insight or you may just feel more present in the moment as you create space to listen to your body.

Make Space for Grief in Your Body

It’s common to want to think your way out of grief, but instead make space for grief in your body through movement. When you feel a wave of sorrow or a well of despair, make space for grief through dance, music, hiking, or your preferred way to let the grief work its way out through movement. 

Create Art

Regardless of your artistic abilities, connecting with your grief through art is a helpful way to forgive and accept the reality of your loss, widen your perspective as you grieve, and allow space for your doubts and protests. You can find professional support in your grieving with an art therapist who can guide you to making art that best fits your needs.

Connect in a Solitary Space and in Community

Whether in solitude or in community, you can honor your grief by allowing space for both. Remember, there are no “should’s” when grieving and so sometimes you may feel the need for solitude while at other time you need the support of a community to process your loss. Both are valid ways to be present and honor what’s best for you in the moment. 

Grieving is a Life-Long Journey

Grief is a natural response to a loss, and remember that every loss is valid. This may surprise you, but the end goal isn’t to get rid of grief. That’s because your loss stays with you forever, and the grieving journey is about honoring and loving yourself more deeply.

If you’re seeking more support, then consider joining a local group or work with a professional mental health therapist to support you in your loss and grief. 

At Chester County Well-Being, we specialize in client-centered, strength-based therapy to empower you in your journey to well-being, including grief counseling. You can learn more about our clinicians on the About Us page and contact us for more details. We’re here to support you.

*Disclaimer: The contents of this blog does not constitute a clinical relationship or replace the need for professional services. 

Contact Us

Here at CCWB, we value our clients and acknowledge the courage it takes to seek professional mental health support.

Chester County Well-Being (CCWB) provides a range of mental health services to ensure we meet our community’s needs. We serve individuals, couples, and families in the Chester County area. Reach out to us here.

Our specializations include:

• Grief Counseling
• Therapy for Depression and Anxiety
• Conflict Resolution
• Work and Career issues
• Couples Counseling
• Family Counseling
• Parenting Support
• Stress Management
• Addiction & Recovery

Teletherapy

All our clinicians provide safe and secure teletherapy sessions to anyone residing in PA. Additionally, we provide telehealth options for residents of other states, depending on the clinician. Simply head to our About Us page, and click each clinician’s “read more” tab for telehealth details.

Telepsychology services are provided by Dr. Kuangparichat and Dr. Stern to clients who reside in a state that participates in PSYPACT. Find out if your state is on the list of participating states HERE.

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About the Author

Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D. is founder and psychologist at Chester County Well-Being.  

She has a collaborative approach that results in highly tailored evaluations intended to meet her clients’ unique needs. She focuses on an individual’s strengths, which are integrated in the practical, personalized recommendations identified by the findings of an evaluation. 

In her free time, she enjoys running, spending time with family and friends, and getting ice cream or doughnuts from the local shops.