By Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D.

Do you know those family reunions where every member gets the obligatory T-shirt with the family name and motto? You know, something like “Anderson Family, together is better” which has a little (okay, a lot) bit of cheesiness, but the motto also gives a sense of unity and purposefulness. That’s because the family motto is pointing to a core value. As I wrote about in the previous blog post, knowing your core values is like having a compass on-hand at all times to guide your personal, work, and relational decisions and actions. 

In fact, this is how the strongest businesses continually grow, and I’m talking about even our local small businesses right here in Kennett Square such as Clean Slate Goods, Cafe Emis, Antonia’s Pizzeria, and Bookhouse Hotel, to name a few. Also, I’d love to include Little Goat Coffee Roasting which is not in KSQ but isn’t too far from it. As the business grows, each new team member adopts the mission, vision, and core values of the business. Not only do core values create a sense of cohesion and purpose, but they also cultivate positive relationships and help guide decision-making.

As an example, at Chester County Well-Being (CCWB), we value work/life balance, team work, and integrity. Since our clinicians resonate with these values, they play them out in their professional and personal lives by prioritizing family and self-care.

I highly recommend you read my blog post on the significance of core values as a family where I define family values and the benefits of using values as a family.

In today’s blog, I’m going to talk about how you can choose core values as a family, whether you’re co-parenting, single with kids, multi-generational, blended family, or family without kids. 

How to Choose Core Values as a Family

It’s one thing to know your family values by heart, and another to actually live out the values into your everyday lives from chores to challenges and from communicating to dinnertime. So, I’ve broken this down into 3 essential parts: Identify, Implement, and Adjust. 

Essentially, each of the three pieces are important to the process, and I’d like to emphasize the process because family values aren’t set in stone. There’s a continual adjusting, renewing, and growing involved as your family evolves.

First, let’s start with choosing core family values. Because every voice matters in the household, even the youngest among you, I want to give you some helpful tips here.

Part I: Identify Your Family Values in 4 Steps

Step 1: Identify your own core values first (and your partner’s, if applicable)

It’s helpful to start with your own core values before involving the whole family, so I recommend you head over to our article on how to identify your own core values. Once you know your core values, they serve as a blueprint for understanding your own actions, behaviors, and decision-making patterns.

If your partner also completed the exercise, then you can come together and take a look at the similarities and differences in core values. It’s okay if you don’t share all the same values. Actually, knowing each other’s core values will help you understand each other better. 

Step 2: Brainstorm and discuss as a family

Many families have found the best way to brainstorm and discuss as a family is by having discussions around specific questions and prompts. This step is drafting the family blueprint. You’ll also want to decide who in the family will contribute to the discussion. Again, it’s best if everyone is involved and has a say at their developmental level.

You can use this curated list of questions to spark discussion:

• What are our strengths as a family?
• How do we like to spend our time?
• What lights us up and gets us excited?
• What’s most important to our family?
• What words best describe our family?
• What qualities do you value in other families, friends, or famous people (or characters) we look up to?
• How do you want everyone to feel when you’re all at home?
• How do you spend your time together and separately?
• What do we repeatedly say all the time in our family?
• What families inspire us and why?
• How do others in the family annoy you?

Step 3: Make a list of family values and choose 10

Now it’s time to gather the materials to build your boat together, meaning make a list of family values that came out of the discussions. For a list that really aligns, you want to avoid any “shoulds,” such as any values you think your family “should” have just because another family may reflect that value. You want to find the values that genuinely inspire and resonate with everyone in the family. When you start making the list, don’t worry too much about making a list with a certain number of values. Just write down all the values that come to mind from the discussion, and then from there, you can narrow down the list to just 10 values. 

I know, narrowing down can be hard, but you’ll be able to really live out your family values more clearly when you’ve got a highly curated list of values. To add to the boat analogy, it’s like having binoculars to focus in on the journey.

To narrow down your list, look for any overlap. If there are similar values, then pick the one that resonates more with the family. Then put a star next to any values that everyone really resonates with.

Here are some examples, in no particular order, for inspiration:

• Adventure
• Honestly
• Empathy
• Integrity
• Life long learning
• Perseverance
• Creativity
• Service
• Self Control
• Kindness
• Fun

Step 4: Write a family mission statement

Now it’s time to build your boat and bring on your very own family compass. Your family mission statement doesn’t have to look any sort of way. It doesn’t have to be just one sentence. It could be a list of statements, just have bullet points, or make it into a song.

As a starting point, you can phrase it with any of these sentence starters:

• May we…
• May our…
• We live…
• We strive…
• We show…
• We face life with…

Congratulations! You’ve identified your values as a family. Again, remember, this is a process and it’s okay to take the time you need to get clear on your family values. Now, we’re transitioning into Part II which is to implement your values.

Part II: Implement and Instill Your Family Values

It’s time to set sail! To kick off your family values, create a visual of the values, either written on a chalkboard or whiteboard or framed in picture. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy, and it helps to involve the whole family so you each feel a sense of ownership over the process. 

Once you create the visual, you can display it somewhere with high traffic in the house such as the family room, kitchen, or hallway. This will serve as a visual reminder everyday. Anyone in the family can refer to them whenever needed.

Here are some tips on how to instill your family values on a day-to-day basis:

• Model, teach, refer, and point out how values guided various situations at home or in media (books, movies, tv shows, etc)
• Trust and empower your kids to make choices
• Observe and let your child know when they embody a family value
• Find scenarios where you can ask and discuss with any of your family members how they would respond based on their family values

Part III: Assess and Adjust Your Daily Life to Align With Family Values

After you’ve identified and started implementing your family values, you’re ready to assess how your daily life aligns with the values you picked out as a family. This is where you’ve all boarded the boat, sailing out at sea, and navigating the wind, waves, and inevitable storms. 

You can think of the “assess and adjust” process as your very own manual with specific guidance on what to look out for and adjust to stay on trajectory. There are 5 foundational areas you can assess and adjust: relationship to self, each other, others, priorities, and facing challenges.

Foundational Area #1: Relationship to Self

First, think about how your family values guide your relationship to self. For my husband and kids, we value family time, especially in the outdoors. So this value informs my own self-care time because I’ll head outdoors for a run to unwind. As you know, I teach quite a bit on relationship to self, whether dealing with how to define your story, ways to choose your own core values, or how to prioritize yourself with a busy work and family schedule.

Foundational Area #2: Relationship Between Each Other

Second, keep in mind how your family values guide relationships between each other. If kindness is a core value for your family, then take a look at how kindness show up in words, actions, and subtle body language between you and your partner and kids.

Foundational Area #3: Relationship to Others

Third, take a look at how your family values affect relationships to others outside of the family. Ask yourself, “How do we play out our family values in our community?” If your family has a core value of life-long learning, then assess how you can bring this value to your school community, neighborhood, friend circles, and town or city.

Foundational Area #4: Family Priorities

Fourth, you can list your current family activities and time commitments and assess how they stack up to your family values. Is there alignment? Are there activities that need to be reassessed and possibly replaced or taken out of the weekly schedule? 

Foundational Area #5: Facing Challenges

Fifth, you can refer to your family values when dealing with challenges that come up within the family. Let’s say one of your family values is empathy. When a challenge presents itself, you can each ask yourselves, “How can we listen openly, and respond in ways that show empathy?”

Your Journey Begins

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step” –Lao Tzu

Sometimes we get stuck when we’re just looking at the end goal. Core values is really a life-long journey into understanding yourself, and in this case, understanding how we as a family can live, work, play, and enjoy each other’s company better. Wherever you are on your journey, just start with that first step.

If you’re looking for professional support for your well-being, we’re a passionate team of mental health therapists and counselors who want to help you find the best fit support for your mental health needs.

Our caring clinicians provide family counseling, parenting support, and couples counseling through strength-based, client-centered therapy. 

Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us if you live in the state of Pennsylvania or if you’re looking for high-quality teletherapy in any of the 18 states that participate in PSYPACT. You can find out if your state is on the list of participating states HERE.

*Disclaimer: The contents of this blog does not constitute a clinical relationship or replace the need for professional services. 

Contact Us

Here at CCWB, we value our clients and acknowledge the courage it takes to seek professional mental health support.

Chester County Well-Being (CCWB) provides a range of mental health services to ensure we meet our community’s needs. We serve individuals, couples, and families in the Chester County area. Reach out to us here.

Our specializations include:

• Family Counseling
• Parenting Support
• Couples Counseling
• Stress Management
• Therapy for Depression and Anxiety
• Conflict Resolution
• Work and Career issues
• Grief Counseling
• Addiction & Recovery

Teletherapy

All our clinicians provide safe and secure teletherapy sessions to anyone residing in PA. Additionally, we provide telehealth options for residents of other states, depending on the clinician. Simply head to our About Us page, and click each clinician’s “read more” tab for telehealth details.

Telepsychology services are provided by Dr. Kuangparichat and Dr. Stern to clients who reside in a state that participates in PSYPACT. Find out if your state is on the list of participating states HERE.

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About the Author

Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D. is founder and psychologist at Chester County Well-Being.  

She has a collaborative approach that results in highly tailored evaluations intended to meet her clients’ unique needs. She focuses on an individual’s strengths, which are integrated in the practical, personalized recommendations identified by the findings of an evaluation. 

In her free time, she enjoys running, spending time with family and friends, and getting ice cream or doughnuts from the local shops.