By Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D.
Defining your story is a powerful approach to improving your well-being. This therapeutic approach promotes positive change in your life by reframing, empowering, and providing ownership of your self stories. By defining your story, you give purpose and meaning to your life.
At home, one of the questions I like to ask my kids at the end of the day is, “What was your favorite part of the day?” Just about a year ago, their initial response was typically, “I don’t remember.” But then after a moment of reflection, they’re able to recount stories from their day.
I like to listen to their stories because I know it’s from their perspectives, and they’re defining the stories in a way that is helpful for them to understand their experiences.
Now, my kids look forward to answering this question. Not only that, but they also take the initiative to ask me if I want to hear about their day, giving us the opportunity to problem-solve together, if need be, or to celebrate small victories. In a sense, it’s giving them the opportunity to define their stories.
Similar to providing opportunities for my kids to define their stories, an important thread in my therapeutic approach is finding your story.
Essentially, you can view life as happening to you, or you can find your voice and tell your story in your own words. You have the power to actively choose how to process any situation from your past, present, or future.
When You Experience Struggles
How do you process negative experiences in your life?
As a common humanity, we’re not alone in experiencing suffering. We’ve all had those experiences or events in our lives that have led to unpleasant emotions or outcomes.
Especially, in our culture, we’re bombarded with messages of ‘not enough’ or needing to be hard on ourselves when experiencing struggles instead of showing self-compassion.
When you experience difficult periods, you can feel like you don’t have control or autonomy, and you may feel helpless at times. This happens when you view life as happening to you.
“The ability to take some time and experience grief or unhappiness improves your ability to appreciate the world in all its richness and complexity.” –Laura King, PhD
On the other hand, you can find your voice and tell your story in your own words, and take control or take back control of your life.
When you take the storytelling approach, you can create a story around those difficult periods and see the problems and concerns as separate from you.
What’s more, stories help us make sense of experiences that feel chaotic and random.
“Stories help us smooth out some of the decisions we have made and create something that is meaningful and sensible out of the chaos of our lives” -McAdams, PhD
Research shows that people who tell redemptive stories of their lives help them build confidence or hope.
People who tell redemptive stories believe in positive outcomes even when they’ve experienced a challenging or negative experience.
As all things, this technique can be oversimplified.
What this is not about is putting on rose-colored lenses and forcing positivity.
For example, psychological research found that people who de-emphasize conflicts and jump to positivity don’t have the long-term positive effects of living a happy, fulfilled life.
In essence, it’s important to lean into experiences with unpleasant emotions or outcomes, and tell your story in a meaning-making way.
The Power of Defining Your Self Story as a Mental Health Practice
Creating your own story gives you the opportunity to find meaning in your life, and to establish your identity.
It gives you a sense of empowerment, ownership, and promotes positive change.
Having a defined story helps you organize your present reality and guide your decision-making and behavioral choices.
All in all, defining your story is beneficial to your overall emotional and mental well-being, leading to a richer, more satisfying life.
How to Rewrite Your Self Story
Look at it this way. Your story could potentially go in many different directions, and you have the opportunity to point where you want it to go.
That means the language you use to define your story is vital.
Generally, language influences your emotions and thereby the choices that you might make, and it could impact your motivation.
You can make a conscious effort to make meaning from your life experiences instead of limiting your stories by letting your emotions shape your stories.
Try these steps to reframe an experience that impacted your life negatively:
- Sit down comfortably, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths.
- Reflect on one experience that you feel negatively impacted your life.
- Make a list of learnings, opportunities, or benefits that came from that experience.
- Reflect on what you think the cause of the experience was. Now, reframe and ask, “What if there’s another cause?” “What if life is an adventure. What does that mean for your life?”
- Reflect on how this experience shaped your view on life. How would your view change if you looked at the experience differently?
- Focus on the list of gains from Step #3, and think about how you grew from the experience. How could you help other people because you went through that experience?
The key is to be conscious of how you define your story, and non-judgmentally notice when you’re thinking negatively about your narrative. Ask yourself why you might be viewing the experience from that lens, and reframe by listing the gains from that experience.
A Personal Example
I chose to rework my narrative during some tumultuous months at home and work, around the time of my son’s birth.
What happened was, while on maternity leave, I received a letter from my employer asking that I not return to the office.
At the time, receiving this letter was a bag of mixed emotions.
I felt relieved that I no longer had to return to a tension-filled office.
Though relieved, I felt like a failure because I couldn’t persevere through conflict.
On top of that, I was terrified that I wasn’t going to be able to provide financially for my family, as I faced mounting medical bills from my husband’s health journey.
My mind and narrative could have gone in many different directions.
Despite the abrupt ending, I mailed a thank you card to my boss, showing my appreciation for what she taught me the past three years.
Then, I reflected on how I could have handled the conflict differently.
Was I too rigid in my boundaries when I said I can no longer travel for work on weekends because I needed to be with my family?
Did my blunt and assertive personality that rears its ugly head when I feel like I’m being challenged unfairly do me in?
Was I just not good enough in my clinical work?
Fortunately, I had already laid the foundation for CCWB by the time I was let go – a sign, really, of the anticipatory anxiety from the tension at work.
As I developed my practice, I needed to rework my narrative and pulled from what I learned to ensure that those mistakes weren’t repeated.
In the moment, when I was let go from my job, I could’ve become embittered.
But, instead, I learned what I could from the experience, letting it shape me as I stepped into a leadership role at my practice.
The experience, though filled with anxiety and fear, showed me how I wanted to create an inclusive environment that valued my employees’ hard work and encouraged work-life balance.
Getting let go from my job provided the opportunity for me to grow my clinical skills, as I built a practice based on quality client-centered work without a huge emphasis on numbers.
Most importantly, I discovered my own value didn’t have to be diminished by someone else’s fears or anxieties.
Take Ownership of Your Life
To wrap up, those moments in your life that push you to your limits or that challenge you can then be externalized so you can better tackle it by defining your story. You’re given a sense of empowerment to take ownership of your life and to promote positive change in yourself in those difficult moments.
The story you tell allows you to heal.
What’s more, you don’t need to do it alone.
Therapy is a safe space for people to reclaim their narrative and positively rewrite their stories, ultimately working through negative self-talk and enriching their lives.
If you’re seeking professional mental health support, check out my blog post “7 Tips When Choosing a Therapy Practice” for practical guidelines around finding the best fit practice for you.
More Resources
The Power of Meaning: Crafting a Life That Matters by Emily Esfahani Smith
Story District, storytelling to inspire, connect, and build a community of diverse voices within the Washington, DC region and beyond.
Honor Your Story, Discover Your Sound, Jaron Jones at TEDxUF
Contact Us
Finding your story is an important thread in our therapeutic approach. Chester County Well-Being (CCWB) provides a range of mental health services to ensure we meet our community’s needs. We serve individuals, couples, and families in the Chester County area. Reach out to us here.
Our specializations include:
- Therapy for Depression and Anxiety
- Couples Counseling
- Family Counseling
- Parenting Support
- Grief Counseling
- Work and Career issues
- Stress Management
- Addiction & Recovery
- Conflict Resolution
Disclaimer: The contents of this blog does not constitute a clinical relationship or replace the need for professional services.
Teletherapy
In addition to in-person services, Dr. Malynn Kuangparichat provides high quality and secure telepsychology services in participating PSYPACT states. All other clinicians offer teletherapy services for the state of PA.
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About the Author
Malynn Kuangparichat (Psy.D., J.D.) is founder and psychologist at Chester County Well-Being.
She has a collaborative approach that results in highly tailored evaluations intended to meet her clients’ unique needs. She focuses on an individual’s strengths, which are integrated in the practical, personalized recommendations identified by the findings of an evaluation.
In her free time, she enjoys running, spending time with family and friends, and getting ice cream or doughnuts from the local shops.