By Carrissa Delaney, MA, BSL, LPC

Does it feel like arguments with your partner are constantly running in circles? Along with that, you both may feel misunderstood and unheard. The worst part is that the argument rises into a heated crescendo, and in the end, it feels like all you’ve gained is some more gray hairs and a heap of resentment or disappointment. 

If you feel like your relationship is broken and on the fritz just because you and your partner can’t seem to communicate effectively, then the first thing to do is to banish that thought.

This is a reassuring reminder that all couples get into conflicts with each other. Yes, even the ones who look like they have it all together on social media. This is a part of what it means to be in a committed relationship.

We’re all humans with different personalities, growing up in different backgrounds, and expecting different needs to be met in our relationships.

That makes communicating well very much a key aspect to a stronger relationship.

While some couples find themselves spiraling in accusations and misunderstandings, others are able to work through the conflict in a more productive, respectful, and loving way. 

So, what’s the secret sauce?

First, understand that improving your communication skills with your partner doesn’t necessarily mean the conflict will feel any more comfortable. However, you will be able to step back and reflect on why miscommunication is happening, and how you can move forward with the conversation more productively.

Second, it’s helpful to know the “communication square” created by psychologist and communications expert, Friedemann Schulz von Thun. 

Also known as the four-sides model of communication, each message uttered by a person, known as “the sender,” essentially has four layers, and every layer can be misunderstood by “the receiver.”

Well, isn’t that just wonderful?

All joking aside, having a basic knowledge of these 4 layers can help you understand where the miscommunication breakdown happened. Take a look at each level:

• Factual Level — The sender says a fact, piece of data, or statement. The receiver takes the message and filters as true/untrue or relevant, and if the message could use some adding on to.

• Self-revealing or Self-revelation Level — The sender reveals something about themselves, like emotions, motives, or values, intentionally or unintentionally. On the other end, the receiver perceives what is hidden in the message.

• Relationship Level — This level expresses what the sender’s relationship is like with the receiver. What is their body language, intonation, and wording? The receiver will feel accepted, depressed, or patronized, depending on how they perceive the message. 

• Appeal Level — The appeal layer is where you find what the speaker is seeking. What’s the sender’s desire, instruction, effect, and/or advice? The receiver asks, “What should I do, think, or feel now?”

To see the levels in action, here’s an example of the four-sides model in action, referenced from Four-Sides Model Wikipedia: 

Two people are eating a home-cooked meal together.

The one who didn’t cook says: “There is something green in the soup.”

Sender

Factual level: There is something green.

Self-revealing layer: I don’t know what it is.

Relationship layer: You should know what it is.

Appeal layer: Tell me what it is!

Receiver

Factual level: There is something green.

Self-revealing layer: You do not know what the green item is, and that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Relationship layer: You think my cooking is questionable.

Appeal layer: I should only cook what you know in the future!

The other answers: “If you don’t like the taste, you can cook it yourself.”

Now that you’ve got a basic understanding of Friedemann Schulz von Thun’s 4-sides model, let’s get into the 5 common communication breakdown areas that I frequently see with couples.

Don’t feel discouraged as you go through the list, instead, go through these breakdown areas to help you improve communication with your partner.

Remember that you cannot “fix” your partner, rather the following breakdown areas are for you to reflect upon for yourself.

Breakdown #1: Choosing to Be Right Over Understanding

This breakdown sound familiar? Yeah, this one is definitely a big one.

If either or both of you are choosing to be right over understanding each other’s perspectives, then you’re not owning up to your own shortcomings.

The need to be right stems from an insecurity within, and may be a defense mechanism that can sabotage healthy communication within a relationship.

The cause could also come from a mental health issue like an anxiety disorder. Someone may hold on to their own opinion, unwilling to see their partner’s side, to protect themselves even though it’s harming their relationship.

How to Choose Understanding Over Being Right

So, how can you choose understanding over having to be right with your partner?

Two words: Active Listening. 

Active listening is a positive practice that allows you to closely listen without judgment or advice, and paraphrase to reflect on what was said. Asking for clarification that’s non-judgmental and summarizing are also key skills when practicing active listening. 

Typically, your partner just wants to be heard. Essentially, you’re there to listen as a sounding board, without jumping in with your own opinions and thoughts.

There are major benefits to your relationship when you practice active listening. You are showing that you’re willing to understand your partner’s point-of-view and respond with empathy.

Your partner feels validated, and active listening shows that you value what they’re saying.

Breakdown #2: Distortion of Thoughts

What I see many times when couples communicate with each other in a therapy session is the distortion of their own or their partner’s thoughts. And, don’t worry, every single person on earth has distortion of thoughts! 

Within psychology, “cognitive distortion” (also, what I like to call “mental traps”) is your mind convincing you something is true when in fact it isn’t.

In the end, distortion reinforces negative thinking which is unhealthy to a relationship.

There are many different types of distortions, and they may be difficult to notice when you’re deep in a communication breakdown with each other. 

This is why it may be helpful to have a therapist there to notice any distortions so that it can be identified and acknowledged.

For instance, a therapist can identify when a partner is making an assumption or notice when a partner is holding back feedback. From there, the therapist will most likely ask you and your partner some strategies to work through the distortion together.

Lastly, here’s a concept that all couples can embrace when it comes to understanding each other: It’s possible to have truths from two different perspectives, while not invalidating what’s happening within each partner.

Though not comprehensive, this list shows common distortions to look out for:

• Should/Must statements
• Jumping to Conclusions
• Assuming Worst Case Scenarios
• Magnifying or Minimizing a Situation
• Labeling Without Any Evidence
• Acting Entitled
• Over-Generalizing With “Always” or “Never”
• Turning Positive Feedback into a Negative
• Hyperfocusing on the Negatives

How to Recognize Distortions When They Happen

When you notice your own distortions, take a moment to reflect on how the distortion is trying to protect you from getting hurt. You can journal and write it out, and let your partner know your distortion for accountability.

Be kind to yourself and notice distortions without judgment.

Forgive yourself, and use self-soothing techniques to help you calm down and move forward.

Breakdown #3: The Blame Game

When we’ve been in a relationship long enough, we start to subconsciously keep track of every misstep our partner makes without regard to our own.

Though we believe keeping track is the only way to make the relationship better, this actually causes resentment, blame, and grudges, ultimately having the opposite effect that we wanted.

Own Your Responsibilities

Instead of playing the blame game, a foundational part of being in a strong relationship is owning your own words, actions, and mistakes. 

Owning your responsibilities will encourage your partner to be more authentic and vulnerable with you. It’s building trust, knowing that accepting your flaws is helping yourself with self-worth instead of relying on your partner to build your self-esteem.

When both partners accept their own responsibilities, it ultimately strengthens the relationship because you’re able to trust and rely on each other.

In essence, independent self-growth leads to a more reliable interdependency. 

Breakdown #4: Refusing to Accept Your Partner for Who They Are

Another way to foster a relationship with better communication skills is to provide a healthy emotional space. That way when conflicts arise, you’re working from a safe space of trust and respect. To create a healthy space, it’s important to accept your partner for who they are. 

How to Accept Your Partner For Who They Are

So how exactly does it look?

• Accept their flaws and acknowledge their strengths
• Don’t compare your partner to others
• Remember how you fell in love
• Intentionally noticing your partner’s growth
• Respect that your partner can have different views and values than your own
• Understand your partner’s unique story that made them who they are today

When your partner does something that gets under your skin, instead of channeling your frustration to your partner, turn your energy inward and ask yourself, “Why is this irking me? What is this feeling telling me about myself?”

Looking inwards can reveal a value that you hold that might be different from your partner’s, helping you to accept your partner for who they are while at the same time illuminating your own values.

Breakdown #5: Emotional Gaslighting and Stonewalling

Emotional gaslighting is used in a relationship to manipulate and confuse the partner so that the other individual can maintain control in the relationship. As you can see, emotional gaslighting is glaringly unhealthy.

However, it’s difficult to identify when you’re in a relationship because it’s gradual and done to throw you off kilter so you question your own reality. 

In a therapy session, a therapist can identify and address when emotional gaslighting is happening so the couple can see what’s happening and take time to work on the issue.

Gaslighting can be a huge indicator if a relationship works out.

If you believe you’re being gaslighted by your partner, know that it is not your fault, and that your partner is the one that needs to take responsibility to change.  

Another significant indicator if a relationship works out, besides gaslighting, is stonewalling. Just as the name suggests, stonewalling is when an individual becomes overwhelmed in a disagreement or an argument, shuts down by withdrawing from the conversation, and builds a wall between themselves and their partner.

As a coping mechanism, intentional disengagement will oftentimes escalate the situation for both partners.

In the case of stonewalling, the best solution is to stop stonewalling.

You or your partner can learn how to signal for a break during a conflict when feeling overwhelmed. To calm down, take about 20 minutes to do a self-soothing practice, such as focusing on your breath or listening to music, then come back to the conversation. 

Some Final Thoughts

Okay, I know that’s a lot to take in. I hope this blog post encourages you on your journey to better communication with your partner. Overall, improving communication with your partner takes time, practice, patience, and humility. 

Communication is something every couple works on, and having the strategies and understanding makes the work more productive, in a loving and respectful way. 

One last thought to consider: A relationship isn’t supposed to (and, quite frankly, can’t) fulfill 100% of your needs and wants. This is why we live in communities with friends and family who can fulfill our different needs in life.

You can learn more about romantic relationships and communication in my recommended book list below.

More Readings

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love, Amir Levine & Rachel S.F. Heller

This infographic culminates Dr. John Gottman’s research findings on marriage and couple relationships, from The Gottman Institute

The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate, by Harriet Lerner

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, John M. Gottman & Nan Silver

What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal , John M. Gottman & Nan Silver

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About the Author

Carrissa Delaney, MA, BSL, LPC earned her MA in Marriage and Family Counseling at Lancaster Bible College Capital Seminary and Graduate School. She has been devoted to serving individuals and families struggling with a wide range of mental health struggles, including depression, addiction, anxiety, maladaptive personality features, parenting children with autism, and familial adjustment to separation and divorce. 

A proponent of technical eclecticism as an outpatient therapist, Carrissa specializes in Psychoanalytic, Trauma -Focused, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

Beginning with identification of strengths and struggles, Mrs. Delaney focuses on past and present interpersonal relationships (with people and the environment), given the impact of prior learning on present thinking and behaving. In partnership with her clients, symptom reduction is achieved by strengthening self-awareness of cognitive, emotional and interpersonal capabilities in order to function as their best selves.

Besides helping others with their well-being needs, Carrissa loves going on hikes and reading. She likes creating new traditions in her family, and watching her daughter experience new things in this wonderfully simple yet complex world that we live in.