By Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D.
When it comes to romantic relationships, many of us have heard the term “attachment style” floating around. You may have even read about it in articles or heard it mentioned by friends who are working with a therapist. But what exactly does it mean? And, more importantly, how does it impact our relationships with our partners?
In this blog post, I want to explore attachment styles through the lens of strength-based Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT, developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, emphasizes building on existing strengths while also validating the emotional experiences of individuals.
It’s a framework that not only helps you understand your struggles but also empowers you to grow from them. You can learn more about DBT and improving your relationship with your partner in our blog post here.
Before we hop into the 4 attachment styles, it’s important to note that you can think of the attachment styles as a spectrum, and that you may have different attachment styles with different people in your life.
I also want to emphasize that you can change your attachment style, and even with a secure attachment, you can be more aware of your reactions and responses around your partner for healthier communication.
What Are Attachment Styles?
In the 1950s, attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth. It centers around the idea that early interactions with caregivers (usually parents) shape how we connect with others throughout our lives. According to this theory, there are four primary attachment styles that influence how we behave in close relationships:
- Secure Attachment
- Anxious Attachment
- Avoidant Attachment
- Disorganized Attachment
Each of these styles represents a different way of relating to others, and understanding your own attachment style can provide valuable insight into the dynamics of your relationship with your partner.
1. Secure Attachment: A Foundation of Trust
If you identify with a secure attachment style, you tend to feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to balance closeness with independence. You trust others and are generally able to communicate your feelings openly and effectively. Of course, we’re all human which means our ability to communicate effectively doesn’t play out perfectly all the time.
Securely attached individuals are also responsive to the needs of their partners and can provide emotional support without feeling overwhelmed or smothered.
In romantic relationships, those with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier patterns of conflict resolution and are able to maintain strong, supportive bonds over time. With a secure attachment style, you understand the importance of both emotional connection and personal space.
Impact on Relationships:
Securely attached individuals are typically able to weather challenges in relationships without significant emotional distress. They have a solid foundation of trust, making it easier to navigate disagreements or setbacks. In a sense, they act as “anchors” for their partners, providing stability and reassurance.
Strength-Based DBT Approach:
All couples get into conflicts with each other. Yes, even the ones who look like they have it all together on social media. This is a part of what it means to be in a committed relationship.
We’re all humans with different personalities, growing up in different backgrounds, and expecting different needs to be met in our relationships.
That makes communicating well very much a key aspect to a stronger relationship. While some couples find themselves spiraling in accusations and misunderstandings, others are able to work through the conflict in a more productive, respectful, and loving way.
Learn more about how to step back and reflect on why the miscommunication is happening, and how you can move forward with the conversation more productively.
2. Anxious Attachment: Seeking Reassurance
If you identify with an anxious attachment style, you tend to seek constant validation and reassurance from your partners. You may feel insecure or worry that your partner will abandon you. This attachment style often stems from inconsistent caregiving during childhood—sometimes a parent was emotionally available, but at other times, they were distant or preoccupied.
Anxiously attached individuals often have a strong desire for closeness, but this need can sometimes overwhelm their partners. You might experience emotional highs and lows in relationships, and may struggle with jealousy, fear of rejection, or an intense longing for your partner’s attention.
Impact on Relationships:
Anxiously attached individuals may have difficulty managing emotional distress in relationships. They may frequently “test” their partners or act out in ways that stem from fear of being unloved or unimportant. However, when partners are responsive to their needs and offer reassurance, those with an anxious attachment style may feel deeply connected and valued.
Strength-Based DBT Approach:
A strength-based DBT approach can help individuals with anxious attachment recognize the coping skills they already possess to manage emotional reactivity. For example, mindfulness techniques can help them stay grounded during times of emotional distress, while self-soothing strategies can reduce the need for external validation.
Dr. Kristin Neff’s research and writing delves into mindfulness and self-soothing techniques as it relates to self-compassion. You can learn more about how to increase your emotional resilience through self-compassion exercises in our blog post here.
3. Avoidant Attachment: Protecting the Self
If you identify with an avoidant attachment, you tend to value independence and self-sufficiency, sometimes at the expense of emotional intimacy. You might view closeness as overwhelming or suffocating, so you keep a certain distance from your romantic partners. Often, avoidant attachment develops in response to caregivers who were emotionally distant or unresponsive.
In romantic relationships, avoidant individuals may seem emotionally unavailable or detached. You might have difficulty expressing your feelings or may avoid discussions about the relationship altogether. You can be highly self-reliant and may struggle to open up or ask for help when needed.
Impact on Relationships:
The impact of avoidant attachment on romantic relationships often includes a lack of emotional depth or connection. Your partner may feel neglected or rejected, which can create tension in the relationship. You may retreat further when faced with emotional demands, leading to cycles of emotional distance.
Strength-Based DBT Approach:
For those with avoidant attachment, DBT offers ways to regulate emotions and develop more effective interpersonal skills. Through DBT’s skills training, you can learn how to tolerate distressing emotions, engage in vulnerability, and express your needs in healthy ways. Building emotional flexibility can help you find a balance between independence and connection.
4. Disorganized Attachment: Fear and Confusion
With the disorganized attachment style, you may simultaneously crave closeness and fear it. Disorganized attachment is often the result of inconsistent or frightening behavior from caregivers. You may have difficulty trusting others and can become overwhelmed by conflicting emotions with your partner.
People with a disorganized attachment style might have chaotic relationship patterns—alternating between intense closeness and sudden withdrawal or even aggressive behavior. This inconsistency can lead to confusion and emotional instability for both the person with disorganized attachment and their partner.
Impact on Relationships:
In relationships, individuals with disorganized attachment may struggle with regulating emotions, which can lead to unpredictability and volatility. These individuals may feel intense fear of abandonment or rejection while simultaneously pushing their partner away. Over time, these dynamics can create a toxic cycle, where trust is continually eroded.
Strength-Based DBT Approach:
DBT can be particularly effective for those with disorganized attachment, as it helps to build emotional regulation skills and increase mindfulness. Focusing on validation and self-awareness can help individuals recognize the underlying fears driving their behaviors and develop healthier ways of interacting with their partner. For example, learning to communicate needs calmly and constructively can reduce the emotional chaos often associated with disorganized attachment.
The Power of Self-Awareness and Growth in Relationships
Understanding your attachment style is the first step toward cultivating healthier, more fulfilling romantic relationships. Whether you identify with a secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style, you have the capacity to grow and change. With the help of strength-based DBT principles, you can harness your existing strengths to improve your emotional resilience and communication skills.
For Secure Individuals:
Even if you have a secure attachment, relationships still require effort and care. By practicing radical acceptance of your partner’s emotions and needs, you can deepen your emotional connection and navigate challenges together.
For Anxiously Attached Individuals:
Mindfulness practices, distress tolerance skills, and self-soothing techniques can help you manage anxiety and foster more balanced relationships. Learning to trust your own inner resources can reduce the pressure you may place on your partner.
For Avoidantly Attached Individuals:
By practicing vulnerability and opening up in small ways, you can create a safer space for emotional intimacy. Gradually learning to engage with your partner’s needs while maintaining healthy boundaries will lead to more fulfilling, balanced relationships.
For Disorganized Attached Individuals:
You can develop emotional clarity through DBT’s validation and emotion-regulation techniques. Recognizing the patterns of your behavior allows you to break the cycle of fear and confusion, leading to more secure and stable relationships over time.
A Strength-Based Approach
Attachment styles can have a profound effect on how we relate to others, especially in romantic relationships. However, attachment is not an end-all-be-all. By working with a therapist and using strength-based DBT approaches, individuals can build emotional awareness, enhance communication, and work toward more secure attachment behaviors. Relationships are not just about finding the right person—they’re about becoming the right partner and learning to cultivate love in healthy, sustainable ways.
So, regardless of your attachment style, remember: growth is possible, and change is within your reach. You are starting right where you need to be. You can create meaningful, fulfilling relationships grounded in trust, vulnerability, and emotional resilience.
Do you relate to any of these attachment styles? Have you noticed how your attachment impacts your relationships? We invite you to read our helpful articles to learn more about improving communication, emotional regulation, and defining your story for an empowered well-being journey.
If you want to explore how our compassionate and expert clinicians can support you in empowering your journey to well-being, you can reach out to us here.
More Resources on Communication, Self-Compassion, and Emotional Resilience
More Resources For Couples:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love, Amir Levine & Rachel S.F. Heller
This infographic culminates Dr. John Gottman’s research findings on marriage and couple relationships, from The Gottman Institute
The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate, by Harriet Lerner
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, John M. Gottman & Nan Silver
What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal , John M. Gottman & Nan Silver
*Disclaimer: The contents of this blog does not constitute a clinical relationship or replace the need for professional services.
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About the Author
Malynn Kuangparichat, Psy.D., J.D. is founder and psychologist at Chester County Well-Being.
She has a collaborative approach that results in highly tailored evaluations intended to meet her clients’ unique needs. She focuses on an individual’s strengths, which are integrated in the practical, personalized recommendations identified by the findings of an evaluation.
In her free time, she enjoys running, spending time with family and friends, and getting ice cream or doughnuts from the local shops.